Orion's Belch

Psycho-Illogical

By FairyHunter

In honor of Artemis Fowl's birthday, I have recovered the transcript from a meeting of Haven's Psychological Committee—the meeting during which they discussed the mental well-being of Artemis.   Haven's Psychological Committee—playfully called the Psycho-Illogical Committee by everyone who is not a member—is headed by Doctor Jerbal Argon and Professor Incus Cumulus.

Haven City Hall, Confidential Files
Transcript from the 1753rd Annual Gathering of Haven's Psychological Committee (Subject: Artemis Fowl II)

 

Dr. J. Argon:   Welcome, comrades, to our Annual Gathering.   My, it seems like just yesterday that we had our 1752nd meeting!

Prof. I. Cumulus: A clear sign of memory failure.

Argon: Believe it or not, I am not the subject of this year’s intensive psychoanalysis. That particular honor goes to Artemis Fowl II.

Dr. Q. Warrel: I object! We have never had a Mud Man subject before. Why not just stick to figures of authority we want to discredit, as per usual?

Cumulus: Because we’ve run out of important people to discredit. So unless you want to volunteer…

Dr. H. Sap: As the leading researcher in the field of humanology, I say full steam ahead! The Mud Men mind is hardly as difficult to understand as ours are.

Profs. M. and M. Saccharide: Hear, hear!

Warrel: I see I’ve been overridden, as always.

Argon: Now that that is settled, we really ought to start talking about our subject. We are all familiar with his story?

Cumulus: All except those with poor memory.

Argon: Speaking of memory, I think it pertinent to incorporate Fowl’s mindwipe in our discussion. Indeed, the mindwipe is the point at which he developed MPD. The mindwipe erased such a large portion of his memory that a second personality arose as his experiences were forgotten. And if that’s not multiple personality disorder, I don’t know what is.

Cumulus: You uneducated loon, he clearly doesn’t have MPD! You’ve overlooked the fact that he has since had a total recall, and his dual personalities have merged back into one.

Sap: Er, excuse—

Argon: No, it is still there, one personality is currently dominating the other. Of course.

Cumulus: Well, if you’re going to be stubborn, perhaps we should talk about something else. For instance, it is evident from the way Fowl steals paintings only to donate them to museums that he has an extreme case of Atlantean Fishwaddle Brainrot. Fishwaddle, as I am sure you know, causes one to forget one’s motives and thus accidentally do things that are against one’s nature.

Warrel: What—

Argon: AFB, as I am sure you know, is only present in newborn male sprites. Fowl did, however, contract Dwarven Mental Deterioration Syndrome, when he crawled through Mulch’s droppings to enter Koboi Labs.

Cumulus: For one, DMDS does not explain why he believed in fairies in the first place – which is not quite a sign of cerebral well-being. For another, the radiation from the plasma gel would have killed off any such disease.

Dr. A. Nion: Pardon, but—

Argon: His belief in fairies stems from his birthday. His date of birth is September 1st, the day school starts for him. From the reports his St. Bartlesby guidance counselors left in his wake, he hates school. Therefore, he hates his birthday. In fact, he dreaded aging so much that he retained such a childish notion – for Mud Men, anyway – as faith in fairies. His condition is quite similar to that of goblins with URG, or even that of centaurs with EMCC.

Saccharide: If I may—

Cumulus: He didn’t want to grow up because he didn’t like his birthday? That is utterly ridiculous. He obviously feared growing older because neither of his parents were present to nurture him.

Argon: That’s neither was, idiot. Besides, his mother was, in fact, there.

 Cumulus: Not at all there in the head, though, and that’s what matters.

Argon: Well, actually—

Warrel: Enough! It’s good to hear the pair of you getting along so well, but I must say that all you’ve managed to convince me of is that Fowl is perfectly sane based on the ludicrous nature of your diagnoses. I move to conclude the meeting, since we’ve gotten absolutely nothing done during the past hour, and the year out of your presence is best started as soon as possible.

M. and M. Saccharides: Seconded!

So concludes another typical meeting of the Psycho-Illogical. I feel bad for the poor soul that does the transcribing.

As you can—hopefully—see, Artemis is quite saner than these fairy psychologists. The moral of the story is: Psychology is always improvised and fabricated, no matter what the species.