Dr Po Explains It All

An Examination of Opal Koboi

by Annoying Schizoid

          Greetings and salutations. My name is Dr. Moppen Po, PhD (Institute of Mental Health). The following is a detailed study on the psychological health (or lack thereof) and emotional progress of a group of specifically chosen individuals. This study was conducted both for the well-being of these patients and for the advancement of psychological study in the interest of scientific discovery. Please keep in mind that, although none of the patients were harmed during these sessions, I have made many sacrifices to survive this ordeal and may very well need therapy, myself.

          I will now take you into the minds of these patients as I recount a journey that stands paramount to any research journals my colleagues may happen to write in the future.

Subject A: “Opal”

          Without a doubt, Subject “Opal” was one of the most troubled patients I have ever encountered. Her jaded attitude and overall cynical outlook on life made working with her a trial, but I think I was able to get through to her in the end. After a week of sessions, I have concluded that Opal’s problems originate in her lack of self-worth. Her insecurities became apparent to me during each of our meetings, and I am certain that we were able to put some of those ill feelings to bed.

          Below I have recorded one of our particularly encouraging sessions.

          I began our meeting with a bit of casual conversation, intending to subtly bring up her psychological issues.

So tell me, Opal, how long have you been unstable?

          To my pleasure, she responded positively.

-The only unstable person I see here is you, my dear Doctor.

Now, now, there’s no need for sarcasm, young lady.

-I wasn’t being sarcastic. And I’m old enough to be your grandmother, Sonny.

My grandmother is almost eighty.

-And I’m 78 years young, so what’s your point?

You are having unhealthy delusions about your age. This is due to your urge to be taken seriously by your elder peers. Do you understand what this means? It means that you want to be old so badly that you’ve made yourself THINK that you are.

-You know what I think? I think that you haven’t quite grasped the value of the number 78 yet. But really, why in Frond’s name would I want to be older? I was the one who patented the Fountain of Youth © anti-aging cream, if you must know.

It’s alright, Opal. You don’t have to accept it right away, there’s no rush.

-Accept WHAT?

Let’s talk about something else, shall we?

-Please.

How’s the weather?

-...What?

Tell me what you think about the weather. It’s raining outside right now, you know.

-Thanks for the report. Are you going to give me the weekly forecast, too? I’d love to hear it.

Would you really?

-No. That was sarcasm.

Hmm...your outwardly hostile reaction towards rain tells me that you have a long-suppressed hatred of water.

-What? When did I say that? Please stop talking, I think your mouth could be spewing out air-borne stupidity pathogens. I might catch whatever you have, and I think I’d rather die.

Were you, by any chance, drowned as a child?

-I can’t believe this. How is any of this supposed to “help” me?

Opal. These sessions are intended to uncover the causes for your mental instability. If you can’t cooperate with me, we can’t make any progress.

-I’ll start cooperating when you start making sense.

First, I think we should start by listing your problems...

-Listing my problems?! What kind of doctor are you?

Don’t interrupt. Now, from what I can tell, your biggest problems include your unpleasant demeanor, your anti-social behaviour, and your abnormal obsession with chocolate truffles.

-“Unpleasant and anti-social”? Aren’t you going to say anything about my vanity, my quest for world domination...the fact that I cloned myself? Oh and—by the way—I’m evil.

Now, Opal, there’s no need to devalue yourself. “Evil” is such a harsh word.

-Hellooo? I was the VILLAIN. Twice! My name was even in the title of the last book! What other AF villain was that important? The second book wasn’t called “Artemis Fowl and the Cudgeon Incident”. And I didn’t see that Loafers’ name on any book covers.

Actually, Spiro was the main villain that time.

-Ha, don’t make me laugh. (Seriously, it’s bad for my skin.) Loafers utterly stole the show. Now he was a force to be reckoned with.

Good, I’m glad that you’ve accepted your faults. But acceptance is only half the battle. Now it’s time to talk about why you have these problems and how we can deal with them.

-Fool, I have no faults. I am a genius. A prodigy. And beautiful, too. I’m willing to do ANYTHING to fulfill my ambitions, and frivolous little things like morals and virtues and psychiatrists will NOT get in my...are you listening to me?

I believe that the source of your emotional turmoil is your insecure nature, possibly originating in a high school musical gone wrong.

-WHAT are you TALKING about? This “insecurity” nonsense is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard. In fact, I think my IQ just dropped a few points from listening to you.

You must overcome your fears of being in the public eye in order to function as a normal member of society. I advise that you make some friends, be more social.

-You don’t need a degree in psychology to figure out that my psychological issues originate in my troubled past! Aren’t you going to ask me about my parents and why I completely decimated my father’s business, laughing maniacally all the way? I hated him for always trying to hold me back, to cage me within the cold, unforgiving bars of societal stereotypes, always saying that I’d be better off if I’d just married some bread-winner and let the males do the thinking. Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m always so head-strong and independent? Why I fear and abhor failure and keep the stench of it as far away from me as possible? Why I always want to be the very best at everything I do?!

Let’s talk about your hatred for water again, Opal.

-Idiot human.

          We had many more sessions like this one, each as fulfilling as the last. I learned much about Opal as a person after our daily meetings and have concluded that if she only learns to open up to others and gives up chocolate for something more nutritious, her life will be a much happier one. I have advised her to make more friends, but to perhaps start slowly. Maybe get a cat first, or if that is too stressful, a goldfish. I am positive that I have firmly set Subject Opal on the path to Wellness.