AUTHOR OF THE MONTH - INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT

Blue Yeti

by The Humble Mosquito

Please note that this transcript has been edited so as not to include personal or irrelevant material – or any that by prior agreement between Blue Yeti and myself was to be considered ‘off the record.’ Typos have also been edited. Therefore, it is not exact.

The interview was conducted via msn messenger, and for that reason, individual messages have been left as separate even if one of us speaks twice in a row. (Both Blue Yeti and myself have a habit of using messages as a form of paragraphing, so mashing them together may alter our meaning slightly.)

I rate this transcript as PG13.

Blue Yeti – BY
The Humble Mosquito - M

Interview commences here.

BY : *coughs and checks my fur*

M : Now, I want to get straight in with the important stuff...

M : What do you think of my wings?

BY : They are absolutely spiffy. Such a lovely sheen you've always got on them, they sparkle when they catch the light. What conditioner do you use on them?

M : And that's the headline.

M : What pulled you into the AF fandom?

BY : Fluke, actually. A 'friend' of mine had been ranting about AF, and, in my patronising way, I decided to buy AF (only because I found a signed copy of it) so that I could pat her on the head and look like I cared.

BY : *realises this is an interview and I shouldn't be quite so honest/blunt about my bitchiness*

M : What, so you're telling me that you decided to base all these years if your life on the *book*? I figured there was a better reason.

M : What made you start writing fanfiction for it?

BY : But I read AF in one day, got TAI two days later, and had the cliched notion to put Arty with another genius, oh, a day after that.

M : How did you end up writing fanfiction? And why did AF become your fandom?

BY : I think the reason why I ended up writing fanfic for AF is another fluke. BoaF certainly wasn't my first fanfic idea, and it wasn't the first story I wrote, but it *was* the first which I wrote as a 'flash fic'. I got the idea, and started writing it twenty minutes later. That gave it, and my stray into the fandom, more momentum than it would otherwise have had.

M : Are you finished? Because it still looks like you’re writing.

BY : Then I had a novel, an investment of energy and time and thought, so it's something which can't be given up easily. However, AF was also the first fandom where I made friends - so Kitty Rainbow can definitely be blamed for my stay in the fandom.

BY : I was, but you can interrupt me, because you are a rude mosquito, and I an egotistical yeti.

M : Let's talk about friends. Do you think it's the friendships which have kept you here?

BY : Yes, I do. If there are friendships and networks of people talking to each other (about Mozzie/Gus, or about fics, or nitpicking canon) the entire experience is based around those friendships. If you're just a single author, swimming in a sea where there isn't really anything holding you to a network of people, well, why you may as well be writing originals instead of fanfic.

BY : I've tried for foray outside of AF, in the Chrestomanci fandom, but so far I haven't really made any good friends there, so there isn't anyone who making me meet my promises.

BY : (Like annoying, buzzing mosquitos who know too much about my life.)

M : Which brings me to PIC, do you think that's ultimately why you're still here?

BY : No, because the PIC aren't still here, so that doesn't make sense. (For people who don't know, the Partners In Crime was an egotistical bunch of authors in 2003, consisting of Book of Jude, Skye Firebane, Ophelia who is Insane, Kitty Rainbow and I.)

M : I know.

BY : I still have a very close friendship with Kitty [Rainbow], but have lost touch with the others. However, the PIC were instrumental in creating Criminality, which is probably one of the reasons why I was always hovering, even when I wasn't actually involved in the fandom.

M : Do you think you've missed the boat with regards to your generation of writers? Still being here after so long?

BY : Ah, but what made me hang onto Crim was the Challenges. The Challenges were my idea, and so they were my project (and no one else really liked the idea at all). With that as my responsibility it was a monthly reminder, because I didn't want to admit ...failure, perhaps. I couldn't let Crim die completely.

M : My point was that was it that which gave you something to hold onto? Obviously that developed into crim.

BY : Of course not. I'm in a new generation of my generation of writers. The PIC was my 15 yr old generation, the Orioners are my now generation of writers.

BY : However, it does make me feel *old* occasionally. And unsuccessful, really, because BoaF will be four years old, and unfinished, when it hits September 10th.

M : But if you look at the people who you were writing with then, the people who you were involved with when you were writing most intensely - and arguably, best - they're all gone.

BY : Clarify the 'best' - are you saying the PIC were the best at the time, or my prolific writing was when I was writing best?

M : Your prolific writing was when you were writing best.

BY : Yes, they are. And I miss Connie, and I wish I had kept in touch with her. But I was never as close to Jude[thebookofjude at ff.net] and Skye [Firebane], and they moved on to farer pastures, in a logical manner. I have the feeling that Connie just moved... sideways, dropped out of the internet like Stardust Firebolt or Nallasariel did.

BY : I disagree. I wrote a lot of *crap*. Or, at least, things which I think are now crap anhd loved at the time. There wasn't much thought, planning or consideration with the manner of what I was writing. Now, I plan too much, and I consider too much, but I turn out prettier fics for that.

M : Do you find it odd that if you mentioned all those names to a random AF fandomer, now, that they wouldn't know who you're talking about? The names are different now... Dim Aldebaran, The White Lily, AgiVega... hell, even HollyBridgetPepperMint.

M : Are they as good?

BY : ...No. The older ones aren't as good.

BY : Back in the days of the PIC we were writing firsts. There weren't yet any benchmarkers to better. Stardust Firebolt wrote the first H/A novel, and the first H/T fic, but compared to AgiVega she's not as good. Because Agi had more background to come from.

BY : So the 'good' or great fairy fics were not as inventive as somethign which Dim Aldebaran or The White Lily writes now.

M : Let's talk about your stuff. Blunt question, but what's your favourite fic that you've written?

BY : Hmmm... No one will agree with me, but Aquarium. It was a wonderful experience to write. I spent a week and a half where that was all I thought about, and I put so much energy and consideration into it that it made my week brilliant. I finished it at 4am, when I was getting on a plane to New Zealand at 7.30 the next day. It was an awesome experience, and so it's my favorite. For now.

M : *now thinks you haven't got over the adolescent "whatever I wrote last is best" phase.*

BY : *grin* I haven't.

BY : (Because I'm learning all the time, and I hate anything which is old enough that I can look back on it and start writing lists of everything I could do better. I need to publish a new longfic soon, so that I can have something else to have as a favorite.)

M : You've got a whole lot of flames in your time. Do you secretly enjoy them? *cough* frigid. *cough.*

BY : *grin* Um, yes, I do. Some of the time. The flames for frigid, well, I wasn't exactly trying to please anyone. Make them laugh, yes, but I wasn't expecting anything positive.

BY : But then there are a lot of flames which... make me sad. If I get a homophobic, slamming flame for something because 'OMG! you made Arty gay, you sick [beepbeepbeep]!', well, it reminds me of some rather angsty years, and I wonder where on the net they've been hanging out that I'm the worst they've seen.

BY : (Not to mention the ones proclaiming that I only write sick and twisted sex, when I'm yet to publish any of my sick and twisted sex, thank you very much, so the reader either had expections of my writing, or I wasn't articulate enough for them to realise that it *wasn't* that.

M : I'd like to talk a little about My Queer Young Mind. You were writing at a different time, but were you surprised at the flames?

BY : No, of course I wasn't. Most of them are funny. And were at the time. I was trying to collect 'firsts', and I was deliberately ambiguous in both Dana's name and the ff.net summary because I wanted people to read it who otherwise wouldn't.

BY : I wrote Grub/Trub incest not too long after, because I could, so I haven't been much on stopping myself for fear of flames.

M : It was a great fic, but it caused quite a stirr. Even if it was controversial, and even if it's old, you must be proud of it.

M : 64 reviews from a one shot.

BY : Um... no, I'm not. I dislike the mental process which Artemis goes though, and the fact that it's very... succinct. Of course our Arty is someone who is definite about everything he 'decides', but I still don't like it as a portrayal of teenage sexuality which is too neatly tied up.

BY : (No one gay, or bi, or straight works it out in twenty minutes, so I don’t like having written a portrayal like that.)

M : Are you proud of anything you wrote in that era?

BY : ...There are no fics which are 'perfect' in my mind. There is nothing which I wouldn't have written differently now, or at least changed slightly.

BY : Death, Grapevine, or Genesis would be the three closest, but that could just be that I haven't reread them recently.

M : Do you think that's possible though?

M : …Perfect fic?

BY : No, I don't think that perfect is possible. But most of mine actually cause an 'urgh! oh God!' reaction, mainly because of plotholes (in the plot, or the characters) and a lack of research. Both of which are things which I could have fixed at the time, if I'd known then what I know now.

BY : Grammar and word choice I'm not as bothered by, because I wasn't as fluent in my writing.

M : Bird of a Feather: Ever going to finish it?

BY : As The White Lily knows where I live, is currently in my city, and is my major poker in that area, yes.

M : You don't like it, do you?

BY : Excuses time? I am so unhappy with BoaF that I can no longer end it as it was originally intended. So not only do I need to smooth over plotholes from the original chapters, but they actually *no longer work*. So I'm starting from the beginning. Each chapter is being completely reworked. OCs are getting new motivations (or any motivations at all), Marcus Butler is going to lose a few decades.

BY : It's a big project, and one which I am procrastinating. Mainly because I don't know whether to repost it completely, or try to fiddle internally.

BY : No, I don't like it. I like *bits* of it. I quite like most of it when I read it. But as an idea I don't like it.

BY : I can't see the birds for the plotholes, perhaps? [Please note: Blue Yeti asked for this not to be quoted on the grounds that it’s lame, so naturally laugh at her]

M : Don't you feel that having spent so long in the fandom, you owe to yourself to finish a novel?

BY : I owe a lot of things to myself, and BoaF is top of the list of things I owe myself to do.

BY : The fact that BoaF is unfinished is something which actually hangs over my real life, and my net life. It's certainly not always on my mind (the theory being that it's sat for that long, it can wait for Hooker!Holly to be out of the way) but the ramifications of 'having been so long here and never finished a novel' are huge.

M : Does it strike you as odd that most writers write exclusively novel-lengths, and you have never done that?

BY : Ah, I would write novel lengths, if that didn't require me to write action and only to have one major idea in my head at once. The problem is that I've got a lot of ideas that *could* be novels or novellas, and as I've never mastered the art of Jude and Dim Aldebaran to write a novel in 3000 words, I've got to be content with squishing them into oneshots.

M : You had it printed, didn't you?

BY : I've had it printed and bound for two months now. All 284 pages, about half of which are covered in illegible scribble.

M : And you mentioned real life. Has it been effected by fandom? And by the same token, has fandom influenced rl [real life]? Are there any inspirations outside of fandom?

BY : I think the real question is: do you have a RL?

BY : RL has been affected by fandom. My current favourite RL person to hang out with is someone who I'm trying to manipulate into fandom. And if someone were to call out the word Yeti in the street I would inevitably turn around.

BY : Fandom life is actually more fun. I can be the older sister who is corrupting everyone, whereas in RL I'm just another aimless teenager. Ah, that's the true gift of fandom: I'm not an aimless teenager who gets drunk all the time, because I do have an eventual goal towards writing and publishing for money, which most 18 yr olds don't have.

M : I'm now going to be less subtle, because I hoped you might come to this on your own, because I told you I was going to ask. You're gay. Do you write slash because you're gay?

BY : I have no idea.

BY : Most of the time I write a pairing because I think it'll be fun to try and get the two together. It's a challenge. It can be more challenging to get together two persons of the same gender, but it doesn't have to be.

BY : I read slash because I'm gay. I have problems reading intimate het relationships becayse I'm gay.

BY : I have problems writing male-dominant het ships, because I'm gay. But I also have problems writing femslash because I'm lesbian.

BY : Slash is the easy one, because there is no self-insertion at any point along the line. I don't have to squish myself out of the fic, somehow, which can happen when writing het or femslash.

M : Bringing you back to things like MQYM... do you think that's part of the problem?

M : It's not a secret.

BY : Um, rephrase, dear?

M : Uh, do you think that being gay caused flames on slash. (forget MQYM, because I've just remembered that your wrote that pre-coming out.)

BY : *grin* There was a good review for MQYM in which someone wrote an 'ew, how gross. are you gay?' review, and a friend of mine, Chuthulpenguin, got into a very irate response with 'No, of course she's not gay, you're homophobic!'

BY : But, actually, I don't think that I get flames in my slash because I'm gay. I get the occasional 'you gay fucker' but they aren't for fics which say that I'm gay in the author notes. It's not on my profile, it's not anywhere except that if it comes up in conversation I will not pretend otherwise.

M : What plans have you got in fandom?

BY : Can they be nefarious plans?

M : (If you tell me what that means.)

BY : I am going to take over fandom, and then hand it over to King Mozzie, the shinest wings in all fandom.

M : ...Nice.

M : But, err, seriously?

BY : Seriously. I've got BoaF, 42: Bushido, 42: Syzygy, Holika, JAB, and 10C.

BY : 42 has now been split into one novella (in which I closet Artemis and Butler into a few large rooms and hope they get together), and one series (in which I write all the pretty Butler!backstory fics that have been itching at me for years. 42 has a 96-person Butler family tree, so it's pretty... obsessive.

BY : ...I have 78, including drabbles. I think.

BY : (IN which case Dim Aldebaran probably has more.)

M : And JAB, tell us about that. At the moment only crimmers [slang term for people who spend too much time on the forums of the Criminality archive] are grossed out.

BY : For explainations of the plans: Holika is an Angeline-centric story in which she meets the fairies as a child, it uses a lot of Indian myths and background.

BY : JAB might actually be named 'Jack of Hearts', but, you know, it might not be. It's a Smallville crossover novel-length (why yes, I *am* masochistic), and the original intention was to create a working, loving Juliet/Artemis/Butler threesome. Because I'm over ambitious.

BY : What it will *actually* be is a novel revolving around Juliet, Artemis and Butler, with some apocalyptic fairies, lucrative use of Lex Luthor, and a healthy serving of Artler and Julimus sex.

M : Of all the stuff you're working on, what are you most excited about?

BY : ...whatever seems to be on hand at the time. *grin* It's the same as the favourites.

BY : I'm most excited about Prostitute!Holly fic (tentatively titled The Hollow Men). It's an extremely challenging idea, I'm adopting the style of my favourite fanficcer [‘Jenn’ from the Smallville fandom], and I'm having a huge amount of fun world-creating a seedy underworld to the Underground.

M : When are we going to see something posted?

M : (And what?)

BY : Um, two days ago, if I hadn't had to sacrifice one of the drabbles in the sequence to September Guess the Author.

BY : Seriously, though, a few days time. My stepmother, (who also knows where I live) is insisting that I write 40 hours a week. As I'm currently on 13 and it's Thursday, I suspect I shall be doing a lot over the weekend.

M : She insists this... why?

BY : Because I negotiated so that I could give up my deadbeat job at a sandwich bar for the few weeks before we travel overseas, and for that time I've got to be writing 'full time'. Because that is my gaol, and as I haven't yet achieved it, I need to pull myself over my own stumbling blocks.

BY : ...I don't know if we should change that typo to goal.

M : Let's talk other fandoms. Where have you been? What did you bring us back?

BY : As for fandoms I've played in, a great favourite is 'Golden Age' Smallville fictions. Brilliant AUs, creative worlds, and an interesting situation in that the 'future' of the world is know, through other Superman canon, and so the authors have to be a lot more creative about where they go with that. As for what I've shamelessly nicked and run away with... does Lex Luthor count?

BY : I read in fandoms where I am severely outclassed, and I am extremely good at spying out brilliant stories. This way I only read fics which wow me, and spark ideas of how I could use a particular structure, or the notion of child-betraying-parent, or writing in 'black and white'.

M : So Smallville = TV canon = superman but better looking?

BY : Yeap. Smallville also has absolutely *awful* green rock plots,where everyone is mutated due to exposure to Kyrptonite. With canon that bad, it's amazing that the fandom is quite as brilliant as it is.

M : You've written mainly in Chrestomanci outside of AF, yes?

BY : Yes, aside from a few Dark is Rising drabbles, Chrestomanci is as far as I have strayed. It's got a central character who is egotistical, dark haired, and has lots of very good reasons to be that way. Notice the pattern?

M : Who are your inspirations in fiction, as in, not fandom.

M : Like, *published* people.

BY : (Authors who have plot holes so large I fall through them into Wonderland?)

M : No, people who you like?

BY : Ursula LeGuin would be my ... benchmarker, if not inspiration. She is where I want to be, someday in the future. Her writing, her philosophy, her characters, her ambiguity and her creativity is what I want to eventually be able to harness for myself. M: You're not bored yet, are you? Only a few more questions.

BY : I'm not bored at all. I'm a *writer*, the most egotistical type there is, who is being given full reign to talk about myself. How could I be bored? [Note: the interviewer took this as an excuse to ask lots more questions.]

M : So, what about originals? Any developed ideas?

BY : Yes and no. Holika, which I told you about, could easily be manipulated into being an original novel. But I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice what I could get by writing it as 'fandom' (the interactions with betas, the poking holes in canon magic to try and my my interpretation fit). I love writing within fandom too much to give it up for what seems to be a more solitary venture.

M : Do you think you'll ever have the discipline to go write a novel?

M : (Original.)

BY : I often get ideas which *could* be original, and I play with it until it becomes creatively fandom. Only a few times have I gotten ideas for fandom ideas which will only really work as originals.

BY : That's what I'm working on. It's probably going to end up being some sort of interesting graph: when the urge to not trudge off to a real job over powers the mindsets in place which hinder my writing.

M : You told me once that you think the name Blue Yeti in the authors field carries a kind of cult symbol. It says something more about the fic than just style. Could you tell me about that a little bit?

BY : Are you asking me if I think I'm Charles Manson?

M : No, I'm asking you to talk about what you think Blue Yeti is... the person you've created.

BY : I like to believe that I have a reputation. I did have a reputation once, long ago, and it was a pretty good one. That reputation was carefully cultivated through helpful reviews and on time updates. I was trying to make myself into an AgiVega. Somewhere along the line I got distracted by doing things *my* way (which my highschool teachers will attest to) and so I set out to be 'controversial'.

BY : But most of the time I'm writing 'controversial' because it's someone else's idea and I'm the one who ran with it. I wrote Trouble/Chix/Grub as a gift for Ophelia, because it was a joke on Criminality. I'm writing prostitute!Holly because of a throw-away line in BK's fic But Why? But I do like writing things which are odd. It's how I am trying to make myself stand out. Does it work?

M : I think that's held you back in regards to fandom popularity. With respect, do you not think that maybe you're naive in the way that you write? You don't write what people want.

M : You've never made the transition from a cult following to a big audience, because you don't do the things that popular authors do.

BY : I know I don't. I go one better. I write what *I* want to write. If someone were to sit me in front of a computer and tell me to write H/A action/adventure I could do it. I would hate doing it though, and it would probably end up dark, apocalyptic and smutty in spite of their best efforts.

BY : It could also be my confidence, though. I am not confident writing action/adventure, and I'm not content with dealing with themes which have already been dealt with. So I would be an insecure writer who doesn’t feel that she has anything to say. It would probably be even less readable.

BY : (That said, I do tell people in the Real World that I will write 'young adult' fantasy, because I know who to make it sell. Of course, it's whether or not I will be content to write it.)

M : Yes, and we love you for that. But it's still naive, isn't it? I'm talking about when you want to get published...

BY : It is not naive, because I'm under no illusions that I'm writing something which is in demand in the real world. I'm getting it out here, because this is a medium in which there is some demand for it. If I were to write slash into a YA book it would become a 'gay experience teen novel', and I don't want to do that, so I write Artler here instead.

BY : Now, I could write a gay experience teen novel, but it's hard to do that with fantasy/sci fi style world creation, and it's with character exploration and world creation that my passion really lies.

M : Could you write something to sell, rather than for personal amusement? Are you disciplined enough to write a novel?

BY : I'm not sure. In AF I'm writing drama for the most part, however else I classify it, it's about character interactions. But I write it here because I want to play in a magical world. It's hard to get those two desires to meet, especially in kid lit or YA, so I might fall into those obscure realms of mainstream SF.

BY : However, I am well aware that I'm not yet old enough to write adult fiction, whichever subgenre, so the question is moot for a few more years anyway.

M : Do you like the Artemis Fowl books?

BY : Yes, because if I didn't I would be here. But I can't write for any canon which I think is brilliantly constructed. I get the urge to write fanfiction not from a book which blew me away, but from one which left loose ends flapping through my head. I don't think it's a brilliant book. I think there are moments of brilliance, in conception and in execution, but I would not say it's in my top 10

BY : But my top ten is filled with historical novels which took eight years for a starving author to write, and he ended up killing off all the characters, so what would I write about?

M : What do you ship?

BY : With a fleet. I think I've got an aircraft carrier somewhere back here.

M : Heh. Shut up.

BY : I'll ship almost anything so long as someone has managed to sell it to me. And the only major ship which I have never been convinced by is Holly/Artemis, possibly because Holly doesn't sparkle for me.

BY : Artler is my OTP, though. But by One True Pairing I don't mean that I think they are destined for long lasting true love, I just mean that it makes the most sense to me. I assume that something along the Artler lines is inevitable. I think the platonic relationship they have is so strong that it is one of the more inevitable relationships in AF. I'm not saying it's healthy, or sexy, or even in

BY : interesting. I'm saying that I think they're both messed up enough that they might fall back on it. ...if they were real, anyway.

M : Can you identify anything in your writing which when you do, the fic turns out well? Basically, any tips?

BY : *pokes self into thinking of an answer*

BY : Experiment. Don't be scared to follow ideas further than you think they might otherwise go. Don't think that you have to be restricted by following the formula and style which Colfer has given us, because it won't necessarily work for you. And about the most useful thing I've done is pick up a few of the better writing help books. They're written by people who are better than me.

M : Who are your friends in the fandom - who've you come to care about? And, also, who do you *rate*?

BY : Research! Research! Research! I don't mean actually check all of your facts (not unless you want to) but picking up books on Irish mythology, maps of Paris, and surfing wikipedia brings ideas and a level of detail and depth to stories.

BY :

BY : You, my dear mosquito, Kitty Rainbow, The White Lily, Dim Aldebaran, Chuthulpenguin, BK [Black Knight], Schizy [Annoying Scizoid], FH [Fairy Hunter]. *thinks this is a bad question* Most missed: Ophelia who is Insane,

M : And those who you rate please?

BY : *is trying to avoid this question*

M : Then avoid it.

BY : I love what Lily does. Not only does she *obsess* over details, like I do, but as a result she ends up with stories which are incredibly *neat*. There are no loose ends, there is nothing she hasn't considered, there are never any holes at which I can poke my finger. It's very talented writing.

BY : But I love getting slightly bamboozled by something by Dim Aldebaran. Her writing is beautiful. It is lyrical, poetic, and flows in a way that can be inspiring. And those who compare her to Jude are being a bit silly - the wonderful thing about Jude was his compressed, wow! plots, which turned your notions on their head.

M : Best AF fic you’ve ever read?

BY : New Moon, by Ivycreeper. Unfinished, but it's still my favourite fic of all time.

M : Is there anything you'd like to say to the fandom? *hands microphone.*

BY : ... *awkward silence* Don't do drugs, kids.

BY : *give me a min and I'll think up something, k thanks.* Come back to it? [She did eventually come up with something, but it was written in code, and could be classed as "slander"]

M : Okies. Err, why was the zine late last month, Yeti? [Blue Yeti’s article came in a couple of days late]

BY : Because I am an unreliable procrastinatior, but I also have a mother with MS and thyroid cancer so I thought I should turn up for her birthday?

BY : Because I only got the assignment to interview AgiVega on the 30th, and I didn't track her down until 5am on my 1st of August?

M : *thwacks, and feels guilty.*

BY : (Actually, the thyroid cancer we only found out about two weeks ago, so it doesn't count. I was just trying to make you feel guilty.)

M : You won lots of Orion awards last year... were you proud to get recognition?

BY : Primarily I felt *odd* to get recognition. I got awards for fics which, personally, I am not happy with or proud of. It made me ...acknowledge that I'm my own harshest critic. MQYM and BoaF would be the fics I am least happy with, for personal reasons, and it's pretty cool to realise that they're what everyone else think are brilliant.

BY : (Although I am waiting for someone to list BoaF's plotholes in a review. Or to accuse me of completely washing over the reality of someone struggling with sexuality.)

M : 4 more: What's your pin number? Will you make me admin at crim? Do you support the wing awards? And can I have a hug?

BY : 2116, I already have, Support the Wing Awards! *hug*

M : Can I really publish your pin number?

BY : It's actually a dead pin, but it *was* my pin number when I was in Ireland.

M : And, er, follow up questions: will you again? What's your current pin number?

BY : 1581

BY : No, you cannot publish that.

M : Damn, now, I've got *two* headlines.

M : "Roll Up, Roll Up! Yeti's pin number inside! Read all about it!"

BY : Yeti So Dumb She Surrenders Crim and Pin to Me!

M : Yeah, why the hell did you just tell me your pin?

BY : You just think it's my real pin.

BY : The real truth is that I only ever deal in cash and haven't used a bank account in two years.

BY : I'm also a man.

M : Ew.

BY : ...slave, *and* we were the same price, despite you having a lot more manslaveness in you than I do.

BY : I am a 42 year old man named Alan.

BY : I stalk little girls.

M : We're still on the record, right?

BY : I still get veto.

M : Headline: "Yeti: I'm a 42 year old man called Alan who stalks little girls."

At this point, I decided to turn off the metaphorical tape recorder.