Orion's Belch

10 Approaches to Annoying Artemis

By FairyHunter

All below methods have been tested by accomplices of mine, most of whom did not die in the attempt. I advise trying out each one if you wish to see Butler demonstrate his full power at Artemis' command. Preferably do not try them in order, though: I would just love for this list not to be found by our dear Arty, and I'm sure he'd spot a pattern after a few people tried it.

1. Crack your knuckles as often as you can. He finds it repulsive.
2. When he mentions the repulsiveness of your habit, point out that he cracked his knuckles before starting to translate the Book, the hypocrite.
3. Refer to him as "knuckle-cracker" or "hypocrite" for the rest of your conversation - or the rest of your life, whichever is first.
4. Once these nicknames have lost their sting, call him cutesy things like Arty, Artykins, Artypoo, or Arty-farty (well, lets just forget I said that last one). Make sure to say these names especially loudly and condescendingly if you are in a public place, or anywhere with many people (important science conventions, involuntarily-attended parties, Fowl family gatherings, etc.).
5. Get Artykins to explain the mechanics of time stops to you. Make intelligent comments all the way through this tirade - having studied up prior to this time for this exact purpose - and, just when he feels like hes met an inferior superior to all the other inferiors, ask repetitive and imbecilic questions. I suggest you compose a list beforehand. Some suggested queries:
   • What would happen if you put a lump of coal under a Christmas tree from outside the time stop in the exact place as someone else put a present from within the time stop?
   • Why is the time stop blue? (When he explains, persist in saying things such as, Yes, but why? Keep going until he has to detail to you how the universe came to be, or some such thing.
   This, I feel, is the quickest way to get Artemis, knuckle-cracker extraordinaire, to make a significant scientific discovery. So, my friends, go forth and further science by bothering Arty in this manner!)
6. Offer him some Earl Grey. Instead, give him a glass of sugar water (or salt water) with a most convincing amount of brown food coloring.
7. By now, he might be suspicious of you - for good reason! - and he might insist upon a taste-test by Butler or a bystander. If so, counter this by "accidentally" spilling it on Artemis. Be sure to get the fake, yet aptly scalding tea on such items as his Armani loafers, specifically-tailored suit, and expensive watch.
8. Make your way to a piano. If you are anywhere besides Fowl Manor, you may do this by asking to hear him play. If you are in his home, however, I recommend going straight into his room without permission for maximum annoyance.
   Next, find a way to surreptitiously detune the piano. He will not be able to play it for long before he feels compelled to tune it. In order to keep him tuning for hours, ever the more madly, use a device I've devised for the sole function of detuning a piano remotely (for blueprints, send me a letter by owl).
   You might also want to try your hand at the piano. Play Artemis' favorite songs barely recognizably, but recognizably nonetheless. Take particular care to bang very hard on the keys.
9. Stun him with your in-depth knowledge of his more embarrassing exploits. For instance, mention that you've read The Eternity Code, and describe it as "the book in which he takes a shower." Never let him forget his usage of the word "lollipop." Force him to recall the time he crawled through a tunnel of Mulch's manure. In short, keep it fresh in his mind that he is only human, to prevent him from becoming too egotistical.
10. Speaking of eternity codes, make your own eternity code and challenge him to break it. Of course, instead of actually writing an eternity code, you will make a program that spouts a load of gibberish. Taunt him as he struggles for something with no solution.
11. Speculate aloud about with whom you think Artemis will fall in love. Provide evidence (however ridiculous) for each possible relationship and defend it with your life (I hope it doesn't come to literally) until you move on to the next possibility. Proceed gradually from the plausible to the plain shocking (an example of such a progression of potential loves for Artemis would be: Juliet, Holly, Lili Frond, Butler, Mulch, yourself).
    This has the effect of discouraging Artemis from falling in love anyone, which is surely good, because Artemis can therefore use his brain and his time for the betterment of general society, instead of pursuing his own personal life.

A few of the items of this list have an entirely altruistic consequence. Those, however, are few and far between, and are entirely coincidental. These benevolent motives were only found after it had been determined that the event would aggravate Artemis Fowl II.