A Quick Grammar Lesson

by Anordir

Grammar is a lot like tea in some ways.  This makes it a lovely metaphor for this column's intentions and goals.

Both are enjoyed by some and dreaded by others.  Quite possibly, if some members of the first group were less snotty and more helpful about it, there wouldn't be a second group.  This column will attempt to do this.

Drinking tea has been shown to reduce the chance of disease.  Likewise, using proper grammar has been shown to reduce the chance of readers wincing in pain.

Finally, both grammar and tea are better when not dry.

I am human (despite numerous reports than I am a giant flaming eyeball).  I am also not a grammar expert.  Therefore, this column needs to be taken with a pinch of salt, as I will almost certainly make a mistake.  If I do, please let me know and I will gladly do twenty push-ups as penance.

Juliet giggled. "You know, Arty, I've kissed many men (hey, did I ever tell you about the time Dom...oh, never mind, you cant take a joke) anyway, my point was that none have ever said that."

"...Juliet, please do not ever say that again. You have no idea how disturbingly wrong it is." Artemis looked sickened.

"It was just a joke, for Petes sake! Sheesh. Neither of us have ever even thought-" She stopped at this point, since Artemis was convulsing in pain.

"Once," he managed, "was bad enough, but twice in one minute..." He collapsed. Juliet rolled her eyes and helped him up. "Juliet," Artemis continued severely, "your grammar was atrocious. I expected better from you."

The word "none" is a contraction of "not one". Since "one" is singular, none is also singular when used as a pronoun. Likewise, "neither" is a contraction of "not either" and is singular when used as a pronoun because "either" is singular.

Therefore, it is technically incorrect to say, "None have ever done that," since "have" is for plural nouns or pronouns such as "they" or "we". It is correct to say, "None has ever done that," since "has" is for singular nouns or pronouns such as "he," "she," "one," "everything," "somebody," and "anyone." However, "None have ..." is perfectly acceptable in colloquial speech..

The rule still applies when prepositional phrases (e.g. "of them" or "of the following") are added to form "none of ..." and "neither of ..." It should be "none of my lovers has ever corrected my grammar during a romantic moment," and not "None of my lovers have ever corrected my grammar during a romantic moment."

When in doubt, use "not one" instead of "none" and see if it makes sense grammatically. You wouldn't say, "Not one are invisible;" you would say, "Not one is invisible", so it should be "None of us is invisible," "None of the fairies is invisible," and so on.

Another method is to take out the negative and/or the prepositional phrase. If neither of them want food, scream,? Would you say, "If either want food, scream,"? No, you'd say, "If either wants food, scream," so it should be "If neither of them wants food, scream."

Although these rules don't have much use in informal contexts, they're still helpful for characterisation (Artemis would be likely to use "None has ..." but Juliet would not).

To summarise: "None" and "neither" are singular and therefore use singular verbs ("is", "has", "writes", "licks", etc.) just like "one" and "either."